Two stories about flakes and people who live in bubbles.

First, regarding flakes, take exhibit A: chick who was supposed to do a thing didn't do the thing after much talking about doing the thing. Luckily, I handled it bc I sensed she wasn't going to do the thing. She texts me afterwards "Hey Darling! blah blah blah what a cool thing blah blah". I thought, damn right, darling, now get away from me. But responded politely to maintain the relationship. Do flakes really not know people don't notice? Or do they think manners equal stupidity? Really.

Exhibit B: the flake who thinks he's your friend after not taking responsibility for lame behavior. Msg years after dismissing major concerns you brought up: "Hi Sarah!" ... Why TF do you think this interaction warrants an "!" Again, do I need to rudely reiterate points past, or do you assume I don't notice the dodging, and think, again, because I have manners, I'm an idiot? Ignore.

Second, I've gained some life skills with people who live in bubbles. Once upon a time, when people who live in bubbles would make ignorant assertions, I would feel upset and want to explain and teach and make them aware of the bigger picture, the limits of their own experiences, or just peace out if it wasn't worth the energy but still feel drained. My biggest hang up was their denial of my experiences - whether as a woman among male friends, poc among white friends, muslim among non-muslim friends, liberal arts among science background friends, less moneyed among moneyed friends, shrewd person among power-oblivious friends etc.

But then I started posing a question to friends who know certain experiences to be true - 'what would you do if male friend who said x experiences were just isolated to you and not common among women, that you were exaggerating or making a big deal out of nothing?' And I'd get responses like "I would be flipping tables like omg". Of course she would. Because even as a woman her whole life with women friends and four years of education at a women's college, somehow some dude thinks he's the bigger expert on women's experiences. In my experience with such dudes I've wracked my brain trying to justify my credibility. WHY DID I DO THAT.

Or I'd pose questions among friends who have experience with emotionally manipulative behavior like "what would you think of a friend who excuses someone who exhibits xyz behaviors (clearly fishing for weaknesses for a power play) is just making conversation?" And they'd answer "oh that person sounds like a prime target for an emotional vampire (because they are unaware of manipulation)". Bingo! In my experience with friends who don't get that manipulation exists, I've second guessed myself and wondered if I was paranoid. Only when I'm around people who have actual experience with such things do they understand. WHY again, do I give people who lack experience equal credibility to people who do? Why do I feel like I have to justify my experiential knowledge to them to make my case? That is exhausting.

But just posing these questions to experienced friends and hearing the reaction to a scenario where their experience is dismissed was incredibly validating. I'm not crazy. It's not worth the energy to educate people in bubbles who think their theorizing is equal to the weight of people's direct experiences.

So to help mitigate the volume of experience-denial I receive traveling among people in many different bubbles, and to maintain my sanity through inevitable moments of alienation, I started making a list of "intersectional" people that I know. People who don't live in bubbles or are aware of the limitations of their bubble and seek knowledge from representative sources. People that give me a bit of hope because they care about learning from experience-based truth. People who listen and grow. Their existence, I've found, buffers the cycles of alienation with validation. And alienation left unchecked can be incredibly debilitating, who needs that?