If i want to move fast, I can't waste time explaining and justifying.  But I will have to have reasons at some point when public scrutiny comes calling.

white people's sophistication is bought without any kind of stakes whereas minorities' sophistication is borne from necessity, survival and an investment and commitment to the issues of which they are aware.

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/244458

http://www.bcc-la.org/unforgiveness-as-a-spiritual-response-to-familt-stfire-a-yom-kippur-sermon-by-rabbi-heather-miller/

everything is a prison.

how to find a dude with the intelligence / sophistication / cultural awareness / practical financial sense of a 'model minority' without the old world family pressure reputation obsession lack of imagination misogyny.  basically brown dude in a white family.

http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/231525
devise business plan

"I was deeply upset that Capitol was interfering with my vision. I was not being a prima donna: I was just trying to concentrate on a technically difficult task while I was being talked to like I was a silly pop singer who’d gotten carried away with her own ego.

I was female, and they decided that I was rock ’n’ roll insane. Had I been a man, they would have considered that I was merely retaining control, or professionally fretting about the details. Once they start treating you as though you are losing your grip, it becomes kind of true – in reacting to accusations that you are paranoid and incapable of acting responsibly, you end up seeming to confirm that you are paranoid and reckless. They wore me down. "

http://www.timeout.com/london/music/grace-jones-autobiography-extract-misogyny-sectioned

haven't spoken to the mom in six months bc her emotional abuse is nonstop.  she obsesses over appearances bc she's obsessed with marriageability/reputation.  most desi moms are to a comical degree that can be forgivable in good measure.  but my mom has no interest in listening or learning or stopping when confronted with the hurt it causes, and instead doubles down and uses the mom card to justify humiliation and pressure as her right.

so i finally come home for 24 hours, and the comments are "i have other earrings you can wear instead of those", "are your sandals too small?", "here wear these loose larger size clothes they make you look slimmer", "did your hair thin out?  when you were younger i had to do do 3 braids for you bc your hair wouldn't fit in one braid" (says this every time for past 5 yrs).  to be fair the tenor of these comments are mild.  it's a more underhanded show of concern than a tone of shame and pressure.  So she's taken it down a notch after the silent treatment and my aunts telling her to cool it after I publicly blasted her on fb.  But still don't want to be in this toxic environment.

http://blogs.indiewire.com/womenandhollywood/what-i-learned-from-finding-my-lead-actress-through-women-and-hollywood-20150928

I am overwhelmed so much of the time.  I wish my ability to write / process my feelings could keep up with my feelings.  They are such a mystery to me in the thick of things.  Left unprocessed for too long, they wreak havoc on my ability to function.  My memory is particularly compromised.  I have to write or I can't function.  It's a survival tool, not something I can neglect, and not something I particularly like to do.  If my functionality wasn't compromised I don't know if I'd really pick up a pen.  Fuck the people who romanticize tortured writing as a craft.  Reliving pain is not enjoyable and there's nothing romantic about it.

Convincing social media-heavy friends that there is life beyond the internet is about as tough as convincing people who ridicule social media types with not having a real life (because all of it happens in one space or another??).  i hate bubble dwellers.  but i do think the latter group is more arrogant because most of history has been non-internet life.

still battling old arguments from ghosts who take on new forms.

If you try to dodge or deny what I'm telling you, I will lose my shit on you, narcissistic fuck.

Don't you love it when you present someone with nuanced explanations and they dismiss you for speaking in 'riddles'?

how to live with injustice without becoming cynical or vengeful.

and without falling prey to the tranquilizing effect of gradualism.

It takes a great deal of energy to NOT tear an asshole to pieces.

"this is how i understand the world, everyone else is just deviant and defensive about meeting the only standard of truth in my head"

Women with very high space to stuff ratios.

Omg hate LA, one night here and already shriveled up eyes dry and water tastes bad

I dont ever think 'oh i'm creating art'.  i just think 'make this pain go away.  take it, just take it, claw it out of me'.  and i hate those ppl who think the best art is created from the most pain.  fuck those people. i have a lot of mediocre and terrible stuff come out of terrible pain and beautiful things come out of periods of healing and happiness.  they just want to romanticize and ennoble suffering like it's the badge of a true artist.  that is some fucked up shit.  those things should not be connected as if that is something a person should aspire to in order to be taken seriously, why would anyone want to condemn themselves like that.  it's the same bullshit that glorifies the work yourself to death capitalist model of the 'badass' hyper worker, as if that makes the work more important.  no it doesn't.  go do the things that make life beautiful and leave the romanticization of death by trade out of it.

'please go take a shower and stop being awful to yourself'

the fatigue of disappointment

I write notes to myself in unexpected places.  it's kind of jarring.  like i want to throw out my folder from the jewish spirituality institute, bc housecleaning time, but i wrote under the label "love is not so much a magical mystery as it is a configured identity trap."

i'll recycle the folder.

online lectures - even though i'm glad about the intention behind them - are just another de-contextualized exercise in intellectual masturbation.  without coherence and guided curricula it's all just trivia.

Need to repopulate my memories.

I hold space for me.

Before I can think, I must dance.

Do you know how much will it takes to change the hand of fate?  Do you?

live moves so fast.  but i don't want memories of old times to grow cold and gray.  i hate how depression turns whole worlds to stone.

there's the kind of atheism that's just anti-christianity, and then there's the kind of atheism that's about not wanting to be held responsible for one's actions by anyone, an exploitative individualism.

i'm not happy long enough to create memories

monsters that are never exposed eat away at your ability to live.

http://iheartintelligence.com/2015/07/08/loving-a-highly-creative-person/

http://www.bustle.com/articles/107058-10-ways-to-survive-a-relationship-with-a-writer

list of things i dont care about in my newsfeed:
mormon/jewish marriage crisis
azhar has some opinion about women
donald trump blah blah blah

there are no straight lines.

there are no straight lines.